A 10th date Mr. Five O’clock Shadow.
He was quite dashing, especially in a suit. We had met on an app in New York City.
But not every relationship is meant to be, so I wrote him a letter….
Dear Mr. Five O’clock Shadow,
I’m sitting here at the airport waiting to board my plane to New York. I’ve already ripped out four pages thinking of the right way to start this… I’m just thinking about coming home and what I’m looking forward to most. When I’m honest with myself, I am most excited about cozying up in my own bed. But I feel like the answer is supposed to be you.
For some reason I feel oddly comfortable sharing everything with you… and I think that is what drew me to you in the first place. In the past I’ve held things in to protect the other person. Telling myself I would work through it on my own, but one day we both wake up with our hearts in different places. Love is supposed to be honest.
I don’t know why I don’t feel swept off of my feet. It’s something in me that I question often. We could date for a couple more weeks… but my motivations would be to show you all of the things that excite me in life. I just think you are such an amazing person that deserves memorable experiences and I would want to gift them to you. Like a surprise apple picking getaway where we stay out late and connect the stars or even bike across the Brooklyn Bridge to find those rainbow bagels everyone is Instagramming. But I shouldn’t be planning these things in my head just because you are a good person who I think deserves have these experiences. I should be planning the future in my heart, because I want these memories with you.
So that is where my head is… and I know I’ve said too much already, but I had to write my thoughts down. If I said these things to you in person, I most likely will change my mind… because I am a people pleaser.
I’m trying to think about why I feel this way… Why I don’t have butterflies and I’m ending things even before they really began. I just don’t want to waste your time.
The thing is you are adorable. In those little moments you get excited to try a new cuisine and show off your chopstick skills. The way you speak of your family and their persistence to have you eat more because you’re looking a little thinner these days. You are so sweet and I already know I want the world for you, I just don’t think I am the person to give it to you.
With love,
Caila
